It’s officially a year since I left Sweden for what would be the last time I spent with my mom. It hit me harder than I expected.
Leaving on an airplane
On October 25, 2023, I left Malmö, Sweden at an ungodly hour to take the train to Kastrup Airport in Copenhagen, Denmark. My husband and I walked to Hyllie Station on what was a very chilly and foggy morning so that I would make it in time to catch flight BA811 from Copenhagen to London, where I’d connect a few hours later with AA 729 to Philadelphia.
It was not a vacation.
I was on my way to Philadelphia to spend what would be the last time I would spend with my mom before she became non-responsive and later died of lung and brain cancer.
An adult orphan
No one prepares you for what it feels like to be an adult orphan. Both my parents and both sets of grandparents are gone. I stay in touch my relatives in the US. It’s not the same as the weekend phone calls I had with my mom. My mom and I had our private jokes, our shared love of Christmas movies, our banter back-and-forth…and how we’d tease each other.
Sundays aren’t the same without her.
I had a good long cry
I’m not someone who cries easily. Maybe this is because of my dad. He always told me only weak people cry, so I’ve tried never to cry, never to show any weakness.
I don’t always succeed.
And that’s okay.
I know now that it’s okay to let those feelings own their space. I think of when my brother died. My mom called me and told me what happened… I didn’t care that I was sitting in a busy café in Stockholm. I cried. My brother and I had a special relationship. I still miss him. It’s the same with my mom.
The last few days, I have been dreaming about her. My dad, my great aunts Frances and Julia, my brother Sean, my father-in-law Leffe and brother-in-law Fred, my uncle Russell and my great uncles Paul and Buggy, my maternal grandparents… they’ve all been popping up in my dreams lately.
Mostly, they’re telling me they’re all okay. Sometimes, like in a recent dream about my mom, they’re telling me to do something I need to do to unstick myself.
Sometimes they just tell me they love me.
Writing a letter to my mom
Kadi, my grief counselor via BetterHelp, often recommends writing a letter to loved ones who’ve passed away. Not to send but to get what’s on my mind out into the world.
I will write my letter to my mom tonight.
It will say all the things she already knew when she was still with us – that I love her, that I liked making her laugh, that I appreciate all the life lessons she gave me and the stories she shared with me.
